Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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