i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
