I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
