ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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