No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
