Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
