Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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