mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
