and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
