nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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