She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i love accidental penises.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
