i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
