I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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