I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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