hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You have to summon your inner elephant
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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