I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
