When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
