I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
