Swine flu. Run for my life!
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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