I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
