I hate all girls vehemently.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
