Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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