I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
