Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
