I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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