you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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