Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Acid is not a monday night drug
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
