Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
