I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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