Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
