He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
