this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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