The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
