Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
