so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
