i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
