I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
