I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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