Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
