im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
