we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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