Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
