I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
