I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
