____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
