I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
