he puts the penis in happiness.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
