Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
soo... how was my night?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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