just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
