I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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