can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize