Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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