Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
