So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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