one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
