So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
