i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
