i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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