I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
wow bdsm is so cute
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