i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
