Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
