I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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